Bench Your Fucking Self.
Whole-bean fantasy fuel, roasted to order and shipped with a side of trash talk.
$24.00
12 oz · whole bean or ground
Choose your grind
1
Free shipping over $40
Roasted to order
The Story
Shame
Your bench dropped thirty. Your starters combined for a respectful apology. You lost by four. A brutally dark roast for the only manager talented enough to outcoach himself.
Coffee Profile
TASTING NOTES — Bittersweet chocolate. Toasty. Bold and full-bodied. French Roast (Dark) · Sourced from Brazil TASTES LIKE — THIRTY BENCH POINTS · A LOCKED LINEUP · SUNDAY-NIGHT REGRET SMACK METER — 5/5 · League-Ending
Free Shipping
On all orders over $40. Because you\’ve already paid enough in waiver bids.
Championship Guarantee
We can\’t guarantee you\’ll win. But we guarantee this coffee won\’t be the reason you lose.
Nutrition Facts
Per Season · Values Not Guaranteed
Smack Meter
5/5 — League-Ending
Bench Points
30
Margin Of Loss
4
Obvious Starts Missed
All
Screenshots Received
Immediate
Coach To Blame
You
* Trash-talk content may exceed the recommended daily intake.
Keep the roster stocked
