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Whole-bean fantasy fuel, roasted to order and shipped with a side of trash talk.
$24.00
12 oz · whole bean or ground
Choose your grind
1
Free shipping over $40
Roasted to order
The Story
Ritual
Bolded headline, one line of analysis, gone before you finish reading it — that's the whole job, and you refresh for it every ten minutes. Made for the manager who lives on the news wire. Fast, clean, and just bitter enough to match the panic of a Sunday morning inactive.
Coffee Profile
TASTING NOTES — Chocolate-covered almonds. Maple syrup. Bright citrus. Medium Roast · Sourced from Brazil & Mexico TASTES LIKE — Smooth, Sharp, Deadline-Ready
Free Shipping
On all orders over $40. Because you\’ve already paid enough in waiver bids.
Championship Guarantee
We can\’t guarantee you\’ll win. But we guarantee this coffee won\’t be the reason you lose.
Nutrition Facts
Per Season · Values Not Guaranteed
Smack Meter
1/5 — FRIENDLY FIRE
Notes Published Daily
Dozens
Notifications Sent
Nonstop
Seconds To Breaking
Instant
Headlines Read
All Of Them
Panic Refreshes
Hourly
* Trash-talk content may exceed the recommended daily intake.
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